RUSSIAN Jokes and humour

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Humour and Jokes

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Chapayev's Jokes

The guide of the Museum of the October Revolution demonstrates to visitors the skeleton of the Civil War hero V.I.Chapaev.
-And what is that small skeleton behind him?
-That is V.I.Chapaev in childhood, explains the guide.

Chapayev is sitting at a table and eating cabbage soup. Petka storms into the room, frightened:
-Vasily Ivanovich! Inflation is advancing!
-Don't panic, said Chapayev. Tell Anka to shoot it out with a machine gun.

- Vasily Ivanovich! shouts Petka. Our squadron received American condoms by lend-lease.
- No need for that, replys Chapayev. For 20 years I've been using a 3" shell, and it's still good for another 30 years.

- What feet you have, Vasily Ivanovich. They're even more dirty than mine.
- That's because I'm much older then you, Petka.

Hussars' Jokes

-Colonel, asked a young lieutenant,

-What were your main hobbies, when you were younger?
-Hunting and women, said colonel.
-What were you hunting for?
-For women.

Lieutenant Rejevsky puts his clothes on and is about to leave a lady he met yesterday.

-Hey, you forgot the money, shouted the girl.
Rejevsky sharply turned around and said firmly:
-Hussars do not take money.

Army jokes

Two army rules:
#1.The commanding officer is always right.
#2.If the commanding officer is not right, see #1.

A soldier is being led to the place of his execution.
-Some bad weather we`re having,-he says to his convoy.
-Look who`s complaining, they say, we have to go back.

An ensign is walking along the street, wearing different colored shoes - one's black, and the other one's brown. A major stops him and says:
-Ensign! Go home and change your shoes.
-I can't, major, says ensign, the ones I've got at home are just like the ones I'm wearing.

First year sailors decided to leave their duty wilfully and play hooky. They opened the tambour and all the water gushed in...
Yes, it's hard to escape from a submarine.

A platoon commander says to the troops.
- Whoever calls the chief of staff a pig one more time will be assigned to his personal pigsty to pick up his dung.

A commander announces:
- The platoon has been assigned to unload luminum
- Aluminum, not luminum, corrects a trooper.
- The platoon is going to unload luminum, repeats comander,
- and the intellectual here is going to load shit.

A recruit examines the food served to him in the batallion dining room.
- Do I have any choice here, he asks a sergeant.
- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.

A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant:
- I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening.
The sergeant examines the mug and says:
- You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

A general calls a colonel:
- Do you have a couple of smart majors?
- Yes I do.
- Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.

- What do you think about the coming battle, General?
- God knows it will be lost.
- Then why should we go for it?
- To find out who is the loser.

A sergeant instructs a sentry:
- When the general comes, report to me immediately. The general doesn't show. The sergeant gets nervous and every hour reminds the sentry to report about the general's arrival. Finally, the general comes in.
- Where have you been? asks the sentry. The sergeant has already asked about you four times.

- Sergeant, what should I do if my parachute won't open?
- Bring it back and I'll replace it.

Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos.
- In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov.
- Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.

A trooper asks a sergeant:
- Is it true that man descended from a monkey?
- Yes, troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.

- Who likes music? - asks a commander.
- Two soldiers step forward.
- All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

Two paratrooper recruits in a plane:
- Are you crazy, Vasily? You are going to jump without a parachute.
- Is it mandatory to wear it?
- Sure. It's raining outside.

A soldier requested a two-day leave, as he was to become a father in the near future. When he returned to the base one week later, a sergeant asked:
- Was it a boy or girl?
- I don't know yet. I'll let you know in about 9 months.

Miscellaneous Jokes (trans. from Russian)

Georgian toast:
Suliko and Shota fell in love and got married. Soon after Shota discovered he had to leave on a business trip. "Don't worry", he said to his young wife. "I'll be back in three days". Three days passed, then three times 3, 10 times three - and still, no Shota. Suliko got anxious and sent telegrams to 10 reliable friends in 10 different cities. Immediately she received the same answer from all 10 friends:
- Don't worry, Shota is at our place.
So, lets drink to the true friends, who would never let us down when we are in trouble.

A little worm asks his mother: -Mommy, mommy, where's our daddy?
-Be quiet, answers the mother, daddy went fishing with the men.

Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
-I'll take the shit with garlic.
-And I'll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don't like to have bad breath.

An ant is running in a forest and sees a frog sitting on the bank of a stream:
-Hey frog! Why are you so green and sliny?, he asks.
-I'm sick, answers the frog. Usually I'm yellow and fluffy.

-What else can I do for you, sir? - asks the bellhop, trying to please a gentleman and a lady who have just checked into their room in the hotel.
-Thank you, I don't need anything - answer the man.
-May be your wife needs anything?
-Oh, it's a good thing you reminded me! Bring me a post card, please.

The door bell is ringing. A neighbor stays on the porch with a pen and piece of paper in his hands.
-Would you like to participate in a group sex? - he asks a man who opened the door.
-And who gonna be in that group?
-I have you, your wife and myself in the list.
-Hey, what are you saying, man! Certainly I'll not!
-OK. I'll cross you out, says the neighbor.

A speaker says:
-Sometimes a wife leaves a man solely because he is drinking.
A question from the audience:
-And how much should I drink for that?

In the year 2000 3 crocodiles lie on the river bank. One says:
-We were green once.
The other one says:
-Yes, and we could swim.
The third one says (indignantly):
-Enough of this, stop waisting your time. Let`s fly around and gather some honey!

Genetics explanes us why you are looking like your father if you are, and why you do not look like your father if that happened that way.

Well dressed man is the man without a wedding ring.

When two men are talking to each other they are talking about themselves, but when two women are talking to each other they are talking about the third one.

If women work on their vices with the same amount of energy they spend to cover their wrinkles, they would be 75% better then the angels themselves.

Since women started wearing mini-skirts, I'd undersood why they covered their knees in the past.

Nothing can make a better driver then a police car behind him.

I can live with the fact that I am a grandfather but realizing that my wife is a grandmother is unbearable.

A woman can feel happy when she has two things: a house full of furniture and a husband to move it around.

A customer asks the butcher:
-I'd like 5 grams of sausage, please.
-Are you mocking me? - says the butcher.
-Not a bit! If I was mocking you, I'd ask you to slice it.

"Mary, where's the tea? I can't find it."
-"Right where it should be, dummy - in silverware drawer, inside the empty coffee can labeled 'Salt'."

Result of a habit:
While on vacation, policeman Petrov hauled in a fish, then gave it a severe beating with his nightstick.

-"What do you do for a living?"
-"I pack parachutes."
-"That's not an easy job. How do you manage it?"
-"Very well, I think. No one's ever complained about my work."

Two Jewish women meet on the street, one of whom has her children with her. The other says,
-"Such beautiful children! How old are they?"
-"The doctor is seven and the lawyer is five."

Statistics show that computer programmers under 30 name most programs after their girlfriends; between 30 and 50, after their favorite alcoholic beverages; and above 50, with the names of diseases.

"Mary! I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?"
-"That night my husband came home early and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray."

-"Hey mister! This is a public phone. You've been on it for half an hour and haven't said a word."
-"Leave me alone, kid - I'm speaking with my wife."

Who has more sense: men or women?
-Women, of course. Have you ever seen a woman marry someone just because he had nice legs?

A Hollywood actress married her fifth husband, this one a French artist. The next day, reporters asked her,
-"So, are you happy with your latest choice?"
-"Oh, yes!" she replied. "From now on, I'm only going to marry French artists."

Which is more useful, a Russian radio broadcast or a Russian newspaper?
-The newspaper, of course... you can use it to wrap herring.

What is the value ratio between the ruble, the dollar and the pound?
-A pound of rubles costs one dollar.

A wife asked her husband, "Why do you beat me all the time, Vasily? I haven't done anything wrong."
-"You should be thankful," he answered. "If I knew what you were doing, I'd kill you."

Two African tribes jointly defeated another tribe. Chiefs of the winners got together and ate the leader of their defeated rivals.
-"Not very tasty," complained the first chief.
-"Well," answered the second, "at least it's better than the food we ate at the Moscow University cafeteria."

A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked,
-"What's that big brass basin for?"
-"That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
-Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "It's 2 a.m., you bastard!"

-"Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows."
-"But I don't have any, my love."
-"I said, when we get married..."

-"My wife and I were happy for 20 years."
-"So what happened after that?"
-"We met each other."

-"Why so gloomy, doctor?"
-"One of my patients just died."
-"Well, that should teach you to take money in advance."

-"Sir, would you like some of my candy?"
-"Thank you, young man. that's very generous of you."
-"Is it tasty?"
-"Sure is."
-"That's strange - both my guinea pig and my cat spit it out."

A man complains about his neighbors:
-"They're unbearable! They bothered me all night by banging on the wall."
-"Poor devil. They didn't let you sleep a wink, huh?"
-"Oh, I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to practice my trombone solo."

The door bell rings.
-A man asks, "Who's there?"
-"Jack the Ripper," answers a sinister voice.
-"Honey, it's for you."

Two girls are sitting at the computer.
-One says, "Isn't it amazing that this tiny, little instrument does the job of ten men?"
-"I suppose," the other says."But quite frankly, I still prefer the men."

What is the best contraceptive pill ?
"Sleepalone".

Can a wife make her husband a millionaire?
-Yes, if he's already a billionaire.

-"Know to avoid getting pregnant? Drink soda."
-"Before or after?"
-"Instead of."

-"Do you know what will happen if you present false evidence in court?"
-"Sure - I'll be driving a new car."

A psychiatrist says to his patient, "So, you say that you're happy to pay your taxes...And when did this start?"

Shtirlitz went into Mueller`s office and found that no one was around. He walked up to the safe and pulled on the handle, only to find that it wouldn't open. After making sure that he was alone, he took out his gun and blasted away; still, the safe wouldn't open. Next, he put a hand grenade under the safe and removed the pin. After the smoke had cleared, Shtirlitz once again tried to open the safe. Again, however, he was unsuccessful.
"Hmmm..." the experienced intelligence officer at last concluded, "must be locked."

-"Hey Gena, Shapoklyak sent us 10 oranges. I counted them, and we each get 8."
-"You didn`t count them correctly, Cheburashka..."
-"Well, I don`t know how you`re counting, but I already ate the 8 that were a part of my share."

A flight attendant in a plane announces,
-"Ladies and gentlemen, the plane is going in for a landing. Please fasten your seatbelts or it will be just like it was on the last flight."
A concerned passenger asks,
-"So wat happened on the last flight?"
She answers casually,
-"Those who didn`t buckle up were spread out all over the cabin. Those who did at least looked like they were still alive."

- Doctor! Which mushrooms can you eat?
-All of them. There are just some you can only eat once.

- How old is the little tyrant?
- Fourteen.
- Ooh. Too late for an abortion, huh?

- You want to have dinner with me ?
- Sure.
- OK. How about 7pm at your place?

A pest is a man you'd rather sleep with than explain why you'd rather not.

- Doctor! Where you are taking me to?
- To the morgue.
- But I'm not dead yet.
- So? We haven't arrived yet either.

Three fleas are coming out of a restaurant. One says.
- Well, girls. You wanna walk home or catch a dog?

- I don't want to marry someone as greedy as you. Take your ring back.
- Okay. Uh, where's the case?

- Waiter! I don't want to eat this junk. Bring me the cook.
- Don't waste your time, Sir. He won't eat it either.

Woman says to her husband who is going fishing.
- If pike is too expensive, buy crucians or carp.

Two friends are talking:
- "Do you help your wife at home" asks one.
- "No I do everything by myself."

- What kind of sex do you prefer. Individual or group?
- In a group.
- Why?
- It is easier to slip away.

What do you get when you cross a white bear with a black bear?
- Two happy bears.

Help Wanted:
Illiterate person needed to type top-secret documents.

- Mommy, was my dad a modest man when he was young?
- Sure he was. Otherwise you would be much older now.

- What a disgrace! Your dog howled the whole night under my window.
- Don't worry. It usually sleeps well enough during the day.

One rooster tells another.
" Lets go to a grocery store and watch the naked chicks."

Vovochka asks a driver.
- Could you give me a ride, please? I'm late for school.
- But I'm heading the opposite direction, son.
- Even better!

- How could you think that I love other women while I'm dating you?
I hate them all now.

- Darling, if you kiss me one more time I will be yours forever.
- Thanks for the warning, sweetheart.

How a smart Jew talks to a stupid one--
First - over the phone, and second - from New-York.

- Honey, what do you like better - my perfect body or my beautiful face?
- Your sense of humor.

- Masha. You've been leafing through the cook-book for more than an hour. What are you looking for?
- I want to boil you an egg for breakfast, honey, but I can't seem to find the recipe.

- I've always had problems taking a woman to my place.
Earlier because of my parents and now because of my wife.

I don't like to get drunk around my wife. It's awful when she doubles.

- My wife always says to me, "Give me money, give me money."
- What does she do with all the money?
- Dunno. Never gave her a penny.

- My wife loves cats and dogs.
- You're a lucky man. Mine prefers minks and sables.

- Honey. I'll be home late tonight. My friends and I are going to the race track.
- Don't bother sweetheart. Your mare called and said that today's race is cancelled.

- What happened to your face, Masha?
- I was beaten mercifully by my husband today.
- Your husband? I thought he is out of town these days.
- Unfortunately I thought the same too.

A boy picks up the telephone.
-My dad? And who, may I ask, is calling?
- His boss?
- Which one - the old mule or the total idiot?

- At your age, son, Napoleon was the best student in his class.
- And at your age, daddy, he was the emperor of France.

- I need a good gun, asks a lady in a gun shop.
- You need it for self-defense, Ma'am?
- No. For my defense I'll hire a lawyer

A young man asks his girlfriend.
- Would you marry a rich idiot?
- Hard to say... How much money you got?

Man to his wife.
-Isn't it strange that the worst idiots have the most beautiful wives.
- Flattery will get you nowhere.

A wife tells her husband.
- I can't live with this any longer. Why do you drink vodka?
- I drink it because it's a liquid. If it were solid, I'd gnaw it.

An experienced surgeon rebukes a young one.
- Who taught you to make such awful incisions? This is the fourth operating table you've scratched up!

- Hello. Is this the Ivanovs'?
- No. This is the post office.
- Well, do you have the same number as the Ivanovs?
- No....
- Then, why did ya pick up the phone?

An old woman carrying a large package gets on an overcrowded bus and says.
- Hey, boys. Don't hit the eggs.
-It ain't too smart to take eggs on the bus, lady.
- Oh, I don't carry the eggs - I carry the nails.

A mother and the daughter are standing in front of the Venus de Milo. The mother says.
- Look. This is what happens to girls who chew their fingernails.

A visitors asks a kid from the country.
- Where can I find your father?
- He's in the pigsty now . You'll recognize him, no sweat. He'll be the one in the brown hat.

One guy asks another:
" Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet?"
"What are you saying. I would never even think about such things."
"Well. You might want to. She is much better, then yours.

-Why did you escape from prison? - a policeman asks the fugitive.
- I wanted to get married.
- Heh. You have quite the strange view of freedom.

- Father. I decided to get married.
- That's OK, son. However you should realize that family replaces everything for a man. So before you do this, think what is more important to you - family or everything?

- No. Money does not bring happiness. Rich people are also unhappy.
- True. But I'd rather cry in a limo than a bus.

A barber is shaving a man. His cat follows his every move.
- I see you have an educated cat, says the customer.
- No. Not really. He's just waiting for an ear.

What is the difference between an amateur programmer and a professional one?
An amateur thinks that 1 kilobyte is 1000 bites. A professional thinks that 1 kilometer is 1024 meters.

A naked woman gets into a taxi. A cab driver looks at her stupefied.
- What's up. Havn't you ever seen a naked woman?
- No. I'm just wondering where you suppose to take the money from.

A popular French magazine held a contest for the best description of the morning time.
First prize was awarded to the author of the following essay.
- I wake up, have breakfast, put my close on, and go home.

- My grandfather was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
- Oh. He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
- I didn't say he got out.

A mother is enjoying her new fair-coat in front of the mirror.
"Is this the one that father bought for you? "asks the son.
"No, sonny. If I relied on your father, I wouldn't have you let alone a nice coat.

Vovochka is watching his parents through a key hole for a long time. Finally he says to himself.
- And these people do not allow me to pick my nose!

A boss asks his secretary.
"What did my wife said when you told her that I would be late today?"
- She just asked, "Can I rely on this information for sure?"

Night. A young woman walking in a park.
Suddenly a guy jumped from a shadow and is taking her to the bushes.
- Help, help, cries the girl.
- Don't shout you stupid. I can do it alone.

Epitaphs on two graves.
1. Here lies a 115-year-old man. All his teeth are still in great shape. Buy "Pepsodent" tooth paste!
2. No one is buried here. Buy condoms by "Twix".

An OVIR officer asks a man:
- Why are you going to Israel?
- My wife has no peace. Every moment she pleas: "Lets go, lets go!"
- Well, let her go.
- You know, my daughters insist also.
- So what?
- And my mother-in-law and father-in-law want to leave as well...
- Are you a man or not? Let all of them go and stay here.
- I wish I could. But I'm the only Jew in our family

- You know, I surgically changed my nationality.
- Can it really be true? You became a Jew?
- No. I became a "New Russian". I asked the surgeon to crook my fingers.

A Russian asks an Englishman:
- Why is there no antisemitism in your country ?
- Because we don't think we're dumber than Jews.

The shortest joke: "Jew - street-sweeper"

A guy cries over a grave:
- Why did you pass away so early....
- Who are you mourning over?
- This is the first husband of my wife.

- Do you know who Abraham Lincoln was?
- No.
- And who Moshe Dayan was?
- No.
- See, you don't know, but I do. It is because every evening I take classes or go to the museum.
- Well, and do you know who Vasily Ivanov is?
- No. Who is he?
- He's the guy who visits your wife every evening when you are in class or at the museum.

- Honey, my boss told me that I'm a beauty.
- Really? Would you now agree with me that he is a pervert?

Rabinowich sits in front of the Rockefeller Bank and sells oranges.
His friend comes and asks to borrow a couple of bucks.
- You know, says Rabinowich, Rockefeller and I reached an agreement - he does not sell oranges, and I do not borrow money.

50th wedding anniversary in Armenia:
- Grandpa, you lived with Grandma so long. Tell me the truth: Did you ever have the desire to leave her?
- To leave? - never. To kill - yes.

- Petro, how much sugar should I put in your tea?
- 10 spoonfuls. But please don't stir it. I don't like it sweet.

Chukcha bought a refrigerator.
- What do you need this 'fridge for? You live in Siberia.
- To warm up during winter. Imagine the joy - it's -40 outside and +4 in a the refrigerator.

Chukcha - sentry:
- Stop. Say the password.
- Black sky.
- Not right. The password is "White soil". Go ahead. Try to remember that next time.

Chukcha goes to a store.
- Do you have color TVs?
- Yes.
- All right. I'll take a green one.

Chukcha went to the information booth:
- Tell me please.
- Please.
- Thank you.

- Honey, there are some people at the door asking for donations to build a new swimming pool.
- Give them three..., no, two buckets of water.

The owner of a Scotland company tells his employees:
- You worked very well during this year. The company's profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for 20 pounds. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.

A tourist asks the guide:
- When does the Loch-Ness monster show up?
- Usually after the fifth shot of whisky.

- Sorry that I'm sending this letter without a stamp. Unfortunately, I only figured this out after the postman had picked up the mail.

- Honey, I want this fur-coat.
- To wear a coat like this you should be born a mink.

- Ivan, do you know Einstein is coming to Odessa.
- Who is he? Is he a famous pharmacist?
- No, he is a famous physicist. He is the author of the 'Theory of the Relativity".
- What's that?
- Well, how can I explain this...? You see, you have two hairs on your head. Is that a lot or a little?
- A little.
- And now let's imagine you found the same number of hairs in your soup...
- Can it be true? He is coming to Odessa with this stupid joke?

- Don't drink too much hot tea.
- Why?
- Your bladder might burst and you'll burn your feet.

- Why should I go to Rabinowich's funeral! He definitely will not go to mine.

- There are no smart husbands.
- Why?
- Smart people don't get married.

- Rabinowich, why did you decide to leave for Israel?
- You know, I'm 80 now. How many years more will I live? At most, five. But if I stay here I can get 10 more years.

- May I talk to Rabinowich?
- Which one, junior or senior?
- Senior.
- They're both dead.

A young English girl trying to impress her American date said:
- My genealogy starts from a person who met the Queen. She touched his shoulder and made him a knight.
- Well, said the American, my genealogy starts from a person who faced an indian chief. The chief touched his head with a tomahawk and made him an angel.

At the International Genetics Meeting.
An American reports:
- We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France:
- We succeded in cross-breeding flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
- And we crossed a melon with cockroaches, says the Russian. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.

- To my regret I have to postpone my wedding with Vasily. - Why?
- I marrying Peter now.

Doctors are talking:
- You know, a patient whom I treated for an ulcer died yesterday. The autopsy showed he had cancer.
- Well, says the other, I treated a patient for jaundice for an entire month, but the autopsy revealed he was just Chinese.

It's not true that I don't pay attention to you. Just this past week, I let you clean the whole appartment, let you do the dishes three times, and even allowed you to vacuum the carpet.

A man in a synagogue:
- Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity.
- I don't know, answers the rabbi. Come back tomorrow, and I'll ask advice from God.
The man comes back the next day.
- I can't help you, says the rabbi. God told me he has the same problem.

An old Jew seeks advice:
- I'm in trouble, rabbi. Yesterday, my only son had a pig on the table and a Christian girl in his bed.
- That's not so bad, answers the rabbi. It might be worth a lot, like a pig in the bed and a girl on the table.

A young man:
- Rabbi, I don't know what to do. Should I marry my girlfriend or not?
- It doesn't matter what you do. You'll regret it anyway.

Four cars collided today at an intersection - a fire truck, a police car, a military vehicle and an ambulance. Who caused the accident? Jews, of course.

A bypasser asks a farmer:
- Do your pigs smoke?
- No!
- Then I think your pig sty is on fire.

A foreign delegation in a south Russia kolkhoz:
- Do tomatoes grow in your soil?
- No.
- What about cucumbers?
- They don't grow either.
- Maybe you're not cultivating them properly?
- Cultivating? Well if we cultivate, they'll definitely grow.

At the reception for the new Congo goverment, the leader asks the Soviet ambassador:
- Do you like our former President Patris Lumumba?
- Yes I do, answers the diplomat like a true communist.
- Then please, have another bite.

Vovochka tells his mother how much fun he and his father had when she was away on a business trip:
- Everyday Aunt Lyuba visited us and brought candy for me. Daddy entertained her with wine, and then they did the same thing you and Uncle Nick do when father is out of town.

A husband writes his wife:
- Dear, you are the best woman in the world. Yesterday I became convinced of this once again.

A husband is about to leave on a business trip:
- Honey, if my business requires me to stay longer in that town, I'll send you a telegram.
- Don't bother, dear. I read it already - it's in the pocket of your coat.

A wife leaves on a business trip. The next day she receives a telegram from her husband;
- Where are our utensils?
- You should sleep at home, replies the woman.
Next day - same question, same answer until she returns home.
- Why didn't you tell me where our utensils are?
- I told you "Sleep home". She went to the bedroom and lifted the bed cover and showed them where she had put them.

A flight dispatcher watches a plane landing tail-end forward.
- Flight 757, what the hell is going on?! he shouts into the microphone. Let me speak to the captain!
- The c... the c... the captain is drunk.
- Then give me the second pilot.
- H ..he's d... drunk too.
- Well, and who's talking.
- A... autop.. pilot...

- Vasily! I heard your daughter is getting married.
- Yes. Little by little.

- Abram. What are you gonna to do if you violate one of the Ten Commandments?
- Nothing. I'll still have 9 left.

Three men are arguing: "When does life begin?"
One says: At the time of conception.
- At the time of birth, argues the other.
- Oh, no, says the third. Life begins when the wife takes the children and they all leave for vacation.

- Have you ever met a man whose touch makes you tremble?
- Yes.
- Who was he?
- A dentist.

Mother-in-law's Jokes

A husband is looking for a saw and asks his wife:
-Have you seen our old saw?
Mother-in-law replies from the kitchen:
-Even if I am a saw, I am not old yet.
Here is another "americanized" version of this joke. It appeared after a spelling correction made by one of our american reader (american mothers-in-law do not "saw" their sons-in-law, perhaps):
- A husband is looking for a saw and asks his wife:
-Have you seen our old saw?
Mother-in-law replies from the kitchen:
-Even if I am a sow, I am not old yet.

-My wife's mother is the model mother-in-law.
-What do you mean?
-There is no joke in the entire world which is not suitable for her.

A man tries to throw a lady from the window. She opposed.
The crowd shouts:
-Stop it, man! The lady is alive.
-This is not a lady, this is my mother-in-law, replies the guy.
The crowd shouts:
Look, she even resists...

Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
-Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.

- My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
- How is she now ?
- She's fine. But, the dog died.

- Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pond which has some crocodiles into. - The crocodiles are yours, so you'll have to save them.

A pharmacist tell a customer.
- In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.

Mother to daughter.
- Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.

A man was standing on the corner of an intersection watching a funeral procession pass by, when suddenly he was struck by an unusual sight: behind the hearse followed a man leading a goat on a rope, who in turn was closely trailed by a line of young men. Approaching the man with a goat, the bystander inquired:
- Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me who has died, and why this strange following?
- Well, you see, the man answered, "the person in the hearse is my mother-in-law. Yesterday, while picking vegetables in our garden, she was struck from the behind by this goat and k

MY SEIT <<707 Aforizm << Russian versia<< PRICOLY<<<<<<<

Newly translated jokes

- You know, I surgically changed my nationality.
- Can it really be true? You became a Jew?
- No. I became a "New Russian". I asked the surgeon to crook my fingers.

A Russian asks an Englishman:
- Why is there no anti-Semitism in your country ?
- Because we don't think we're dumber than Jews.

The shortest joke: "Jew - street-sweeper"

A guy cries over a grave:
- Why did you pass away so early....
- Whom are you mourning over?
- This is the first husband of my wife.

- Honey, my boss told me that I'm a beauty.
- Really? Would you now agree with me that he is a pervert?

50th wedding anniversary in Armenia:
- Grandpa, you lived with Grandma so long. Tell me the truth: Did you ever have the desire to leave her?
- To leave? - never. To kill - yes.

- Petro, how much sugar should I put in your tea?
- 10 spoonfuls. But please don't stir it. I don't like it sweet.

Chukcha bought a refrigerator.
- What do you need this 'fridge for? You live in Siberia.
- To warm up during winter. Imagine the joy - it's -40 outside and +4 in a refrigerator.

Chukcha - sentry:
- Stop. Say the password.
- Black sky.
- Not right. The password is "White soil". Go ahead. Try to remember that next time.

Chukcha goes to a store.
- Do you have color TVs?
- Yes.
- All right. I'll take a green one.

Chukcha went to the information booth:
- Tell me please.
- Please.
- Thank you.

- Honey, there are some people at the door asking for donations to build a new swimming pool.
- Give them three... no, two buckets of water.

A tourist asks the guide:
- When does the Loch-Ness monster show up?
- Usually after the fifth shot of whisky.

- Sorry that I'm sending this letter without a stamp. Unfortunately, I only figured this out after the postman had picked up the mail.

- Honey, I want this fur-coat.
- To wear a coat like this you should be born a mink.

A black guy stays under the tree and cries.
- Why do you cry? asks Petka
- I want to go home.
- Sure, let me give you a boost.

A black guy asks a genie:
- I want to be white and be surrounded with lots of water and women.
- OK, said genie, and turned him into a commode in a lady's restroom.
After suffering for a month, he called for the genie again:
- That's it. Make me black again.
- OK, said the genie, and cut off the water.

- Don't drink too much hot tea.
- Why?
- Your bladder might burst and you'll burn your feet.

- Why should I go to Rabinowich's funeral! He definitely will not go to mine.

- There are no smart husbands.
- Why?
- Smart people don't get married.

- Rabinowich, why did you decide to leave for Israel?
- You know, I'm 80 now. How many years more will I live? At most, five. But if I stay here I can get 10 more years.

- May I talk to Rabinowich?
- Which one, junior or senior?
- Senior.
- They're both deads.

- Vasily Ivanovich! shouts Petka. Our squadron received American condoms by lend-lease.
- No need for that replies Chapayev. For 20 years I've been using a 3" shell, and it's still good for another 30 years.

A young English girl trying to impress her American date said:
- My genealogy starts from a person who met the Queen. She touched his shoulder and made him a knight.
- Well, said the American, my genealogy starts from a person who faced an Indian chief. The chief touched his head with a tomahawk and made him an angel.

Sign on the wall of the American Army Green Beret headquarters:
"If you kill for joy, you are a sadist.
If you kill for money, you are a mercenary.
If you kill for both of the above, you are a Green Beret."

At the International Genetics Meeting.
American reports:
- We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France:
- We succeeded in crossbreeding flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
- And we crossed a melon with cockroaches, says the Russian. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.

News from abroad:
The first issue of dollars printed in the Russian language was announced today in Washington.

American journalist interviews a Russian writer. He puts his feet on the table and asks:
- I hope this does not embarrass you.
- Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there.

- To my regret I have to postpone my wedding with Vasily. - Why?
- I marrying Peter now.

An American physician asked his Russian colleague:
- Is it trues that there are cases in your country where a patient was treated for one disease, only to have the autopsy reveal another cause of death.
- Absolutely not. All our patients die from the diseases we treat them for.

American style of risk:
Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France:
Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.
Russian style:
Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of who is an informer. A storyteller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway.

A Russian and an American are talking:
- When I'm in a good mood I drive a car painted a light color, says the American. When I'm busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. When I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly colored car.
- Things are much easier in Russia, says the Russian. If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe. If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red. I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank.

- What feet you have, Vasily Ivanovich. They're even dirtier than mine.
- That's because I'm much older then you, Petka.

A commander announces:
- The platoon has been assigned to unload luminum
- Aluminum, not luminum, corrects a trooper.
- The platoon is going to unload luminum, repeats commander,
- and the intellectual here is going to load shit.

A recruit examines the food served to him in the battalion dining room.
- Do I have any choice here, he asks a sergeant.
- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.

It's not true that I don't pay attention to you. Just this past week, I let you clean the whole apartment; let you do the dishes three times, and even allowed you to vacuum the carpet.

A general calls a colonel:
- Do you have a couple of smart majors?
- Yes I do.
- Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.

- What do you think about the coming battle, General?
- God knows it will be lost.
- Then why should we go for it?
- To find out who is the loser.

A sergeant instructs a sentry:
- When the general comes, report to me immediately. The general doesn't show. The sergeant gets nervous and every hour reminds the sentry to report about the general's arrival. Finally, the general comes.
- Where have you been? asks the sentry. The sergeant has already asked about you four times.

- Sergeant, what should I do if my parachute won't open?
- Bring it back and I'll replace it.

Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatoes.
- In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatoes, complains Ivanov.
- Absolutely answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.

An old Jew seeks advice:
- I'm in trouble, rabbi. Yesterday, my only son had a pig on the table and a Christian girl in his bed.
- That's not so bad answers the rabbi. It might be worth a lot, like a pig in the bed and a girl on the table.

A young man:
- Rabbi, I don't know what to do. Should I marry my girlfriend or not?
- It doesn't matter what you do. You'll regret it anyway.

Four cars collided today at an intersection - a fire truck, a police car, a military vehicle and an ambulance. Who caused the accident? Jews, of course.

Chernenko is dying. At the last moment, the spirit of Brezhnev appears in front of him and says:
- Your term on earth has expired. You'll be transferred to another world soon. One thing I'd recommend to you though: take a spoon and fork with you.
- Is there a shortage of such things in that world? asks Chernenko.
- No, no, said Brezhnev. Normally not. However, when Hitler takes charge of the cafeteria there, he'll no doubt remove all utensils and force everyone to eat with a sickle and hammer.

Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and wintertime changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one-hour ahead in spring, and then move them one-hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadad's assassination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.

Brezhnev's nightmare:
Czechs sitting in Red Square and eating matzo with chopsticks.

Brezhnev rebukes his speechwriter:
- I asked you for a 15-min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.

Brezhnev gives his radio address to the Russian people:
Comrades! I have 2 important announcements for you - one joyful and one wistful. The wistful news is that during the next 7 years we'll eat nothing but shit. And the joyful one is that there will be an abundance of it.

Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...

Nixon asks God:
- When will unemployment go down in the US?
- In 20 years.
- Too bad that it won't happen during my lifetime, regrets Nixon. Brezhnev asks:
- When will the Russian people get a happy life?
- I regret it won't be during my lifetime, says God.

During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon was distressed.
- How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR.
- Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.

A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....

A bypasser asks a farmer:
- Do your pigs smoke?
- No!
- Then I think your pigsty is on fire.

At the reception for the new Congo government, the leader asks the Soviet ambassador:
- Do you like our former President Patris Lumumba?
- Yes I do, answers the diplomat like a true communist.
- Then please, have another bites.

A husband writes his wife:
- Dear, you are the best woman in the world. Yesterday I became convinced of this once again.

A trooper asks a sergeant:
- Is it true that man descended from a monkey?
- Yes, troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.

- Who likes music? - asks a commander.
- Two soldiers step forward.
- All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

A flight dispatcher watches a plane landing tail end forward.
- Flight 757, what the hell is going on?! he shouts into the microphone. Let me speak to the captain!
- The c... the c... the captain is drunk.
- Then give me the second pilot.
- H ..he's d... drunk too.
- Well, and who's talking.
- A... autop.. pilot...

Two paratrooper recruits in a plane:
- Are you crazy, Vasily? You are going to jump without a parachute.
- Is it mandatory to wear it?
- Sure. It's raining outside.

- Vasily! I heard your daughter is getting married.
- Yes. Little by little.

- Abram. What are you gonna to do if you violate one of the Ten Commandments?
- Nothing. I'll still have 9 left.

- Have you ever met a man whose touch makes you tremble?
- Yes.
- Who was he?
- A dentist.

Political anecdotes

	IF WHAT THE COMMUNISTS ARE DOING WITH RUSSIA IS AN
        EXPERIMENT, FOR THIS EXPERIMENT I WOULD NOT SPARE EVEN 
        A FROG.
				Professor I.P.Pavlov, 1918.

Joke contest at the eve of Lenin's 100 birthday:

3-d prize - 3 years in jail
2-d prize - 7 years in jail + a 5 year vacation in Siberia.
1-st prize - a meeting with the jubileer.

American style of risk:
Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France:
Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.
Russian style:
Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of whom is an informer. A story-teller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway.

What is a bream?

-A whale that managed to swim to communism.

A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon."

The audience wonders quietly, "What IS a horizon?"
-Answer: an imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off when you try to get closer.

Rabinowich works in the Kremlin. He sits on Spassky Tower and looks into the distance in order to signal when he sees the communist ideal approaching. Americans try to lure him to their side to help them predict when an economic crisis is coming. Rabinowich, however, refuses their offer, insisting, "I need a permanent job."

Is it true that under communism people could order food by phone?

-Yes, but the delivery was by TV.

Is it possible to build communism in Israel?

-Why would such a small country need such big happiness?

Is communism a science?

-No. If it were, they would've tried it on dogs first.

Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?

-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in shit, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"

-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

What has 40 teeth and 4 legs?

-A crocodile.
What has 4 teeth and 40 legs?
-The Central Committee of the Communist Party.

A husband caught his wife with a lover.

"If I weren't a Party member," the husband shouted to his wife, "I would have broken your ribs and tossed you out of the window."
Lifting her hands to the sky, she answered,"Bless you and The Communist Party!"

"I disagree with the communists only on the agrarian issues," said Rabinowich. "They want me to lie in the ground, which is precisely what I want them to do."

Rabinowich was ostracized by The Communist Party. One night, he had a dream that Israel declared war on Russia and won. He next saw Moshe Dajan on the top of the Mausoleum, welcoming a demonstration of Russian Jews who yelled, "Reform Rabinowich! Reform Rabinowich!"

A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.

-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.

"Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"

"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"

Television tells us that our country abounds in food, and yet my refrigerator is empty. What's wrong with it?

Simple -- just hook up you refrigerator to a TV cable.

A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance.

-"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."

What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?

-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?

When was the first Russian election held?

-The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."

Gorbachev sent some sausage overseas for analysis. Soon he received an answer:

-Mister Gorbachev, no helminth were detected in your excrement.

Chernenko is dying. At the last moment, the spirit of Brezhnev appears in front of him and says:
- Your term on earth has expired. You'll be transfered to another world soon. One thing I'd recommend to you though: take a spoon and fork with you.
- Is there a shortage of such things in that world? asks Chernenko.
- No, no, said Brezhnev. Normally not. However, when Hitler takes charge of the cafeteria there, he'll no doubt remove all utensils and force everyone to eat with a sickle and hammer.

Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.

Brezhnev's nightmare:
Czechs sitting in Red Square and eating matso with chopsticks.

Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer:
- I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.

Brezhnev gives his radio address to the Russian people:
Comrades! I have 2 important anonuncements for you - one joyful and one wistful. The wistful news is that during the next 7 years we'll eat nothing but shit. And the joyful one is that there will be an abundance of it.

Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...

A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....

Russian-American Jokes

How does an American help heal the Russian economy?
-As does an injection into an artificial limb.

For many years the Americans have been training an agent to work in Russia. His legend was superbly elaborated. Finally he was dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted jacket, felt high boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink.
-Are you a spy dearly, the lady asked.
-Where did you get that from, old lady.
-Well, we never saw black men in these parts before.

An American has offered some caviar to Rabinowich.
-O, my goodness, said Rabinowich. How far are you dropped behind us! We ate this 50 years ago.

Carter and Brejenev came out from the adjacent doors and got together. -Finally we are completely disarmed, said Carter.
-Yes. Now we can trust each other, replayed Brejenev.
-Hey you! Stop talking and go back to your cells, shouted a Chinese warder.

News.
1. An American aircraft carrier crashed and sunk in the Atlantic ocean.
None of our men were hurt.
2. Yesterday our country was perfidiously attacked by China.
Battle is in progress near Beijing.

News from abroad:
The first issue of dollars printed in the Russian language was announced today in Washington.

American jornalist interviews a Russian writer. He puts his feet on the table and asks:
- I hope this does not embarass you.
- Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there.

An American physician asked his Russian collegue:
- Is it true that there are cases in your country where a patient was treated for one disease, only to have the autopsy reveal another cause of death.
- Absolutely not. All our patients die from the diseases we treat them for.

MY SEIT <<707 Aforizm << Russian versia<< PRICOLY<<<<<<<